The story of a slow Learner

“The history of a slow learner”— that is how I could describe my spiritual quest. Yet what I have also learned is that things that come quickly often disappear just as quickly. In addition, especially in the early years of my inner journey, I did not really know what it was I was actually searching for.

It all began in 1978 when I met my first spiritual teacher. His words created a revolution in my inner experience of myself and of the world around me. From him I received the name Premdas (“servant of Love” in Sanskrit). At that time, it was impossible for me to foresee the true meaning of this name.

Years of experimentation inspired by his teachings followed. Meditation, group therapy, celebrating life, embracing silence, simply being— these are just a few randomly chosen aspects that characterized that period.

Spiritual breakthroughs followed, including the state known as Samadhi (a state that goes beyond all experiences). It was indescribably intense; communicating with the world around me no longer seemed relevant, because there was no longer any distinction between me (the Self) and the world around me.
This often led to misunderstanding in my immediate environment, as others simply could not place themselves in my state of Being.

But unfortunately for me, this state was not permanent. Sometimes it lasted for a few hours, sometimes days or even weeks. Yet as suddenly as it had come, it would disappear just as suddenly. This made me long desperately for its return, followed by months of frustration. And then, just as suddenly again…

After the passing of my spiritual teacher, I found new depth in the current of Neo Advaita Vedanta. My inner world revealed itself once more—now called the impersonal Brahman rather than Samadhi.
A certain maturation began to take shape in my consciousness.
A new reality had revealed itself in a lasting way.

This state of Being no longer overwhelms me, no longer comes and goes, but transcends the whirlings of my thoughts and experiences into a serene, living field of energy in which everything appears and disappears within an all-embracing silence and gratitude.
As I said before, it is a state that goes “beyond all experiences,” beyond myself as a person. Everything breathes one breath, within a reality of dynamic silence, boundless love, and freedom.

This Reality is unchanging in itself and has caused the seeker to disappear. At the same time, its energy or dynamism is boundlessly revealing. Its play of realization or creation turns emptiness into fullness. It is like a bridge, the connection to the other shore.
Once you step onto this bridge, you no longer belong to this shore, yet not fully to the other one either.

Many, once on the bridge, identify themselves with the bridge and its qualities, because they have let go of the reality that belonged to the shore they left behind. This identification sees the bridge as the only Reality. And although there is no longer a seeker on this bridge, a view of the other shore reveals itself.
This view gives rise to an insight;
the magical birth of Rasa !
The state of being in relationship with the Supreme.

In pure ecstasy, surrender, devotion, and service, the other shore is entered. It is a shift in consciousness in which emptiness gives way to the fullness of the One—personal and impersonal at the same time.
Everything in this creation belongs to His energy: both shores and the bridge.

The sky turns red from the setting sun. Evening falls.
Birds sing their final song, and when their voices fade, the crickets take over.

I find myself in a beautiful garden somewhere in India when a strange sensation takes hold of me. The sounds of my surroundings lose their volume and distinctness.
I notice a tingling in my lower spine that grows steadily stronger.

Then my entire body begins to shake, and the world around me starts to blur.
A white, tunnel-like substance reveals itself.
And then, with the speed of light, the energy shoots upward through this tunnel.

I become aware that I have left my body and am being carried along through this tunnel. 

At a dizzying speed I continue shooting upward into what seems like infinity. There is no awareness of time or place. All that exists is this milky wall along which I am being carried upward. Suddenly, the upward movement begins to slow. Sounds reveal themselves and grow louder.
I recognize it as music—yet many times more intense and of an unknown beauty.
My speed slows even further; the milky substance of the tunnel wall becomes more and more transparent. Contours of color and form begin to appear.

The upward speed has nearly come to a halt when suddenly the view becomes completely clear.
What reveals itself before my eyes surpasses all my earthly perceptions.
Soft sounds caress my ears. Intense colors and forms nourish my eyes.
An unknown serenity and love fill my soul.

And then…